Gift-Giving Gone Wrong

As much as I love this time of the year, and I genuinely do, I really hate shopping for gifts. I’m not a very enthusiastic or patient shopper, and the malls drive me crazy. Also, I always want to get people the perfect gift, but more often than not find that such gift is either nonexistent or way outside of my meager budget.

I also have a problem that (I imagine) many of you share as well. I love to give people books. I believe that giving someone the right book can be a really personal and thoughtful gift. But, alas, there are always unintended meanings that come along with gifted books. And no matter how much you try to avoid it, it is almost inevitable that whatever you meant when you chose a particular book for a gift will be supplanted by some other non-flattering (or offensive) interpretation. Gifted books are like Trojan Horses in that way… they hide something unexpected and dangerous inside. So, I’ve decided to do a public service here and give you a few examples of books that I would like to give as gifts, but don’t because of the potential misunderstandings that they may provoke.

I’ll give you the “intended meaning” behind the following gifts first, followed by the “secret” meaning. Take heed! Do not attempt the gifting of the following books under any circumstances!

Portnoy’s Complaint, by Philip Roth

WHAT I MEANT: “I want to share with you one of my favorite authors, Philip Roth, and I figured that I should start you off with one of his most famous and award-winning texts. Roth is a quintessentially “American” writer with an amazing ear for dialogue, and one of the few authors who can make me laugh out loud while reading. Enjoy!”

WHAT IT SAYS: “You are a pervert and you will soon go blind.”

The Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoevsky

WHAT I MEANT: “This is one of the books that changed my life. It is a beautifully tragic existential drama that gives us a glimpse into the human soul in a way unrivalled by any other novel. There are very few people in the world that don’t correspond in some significant way to one of the Karamazov brothers. I want you to read this and figure out which one you are.”

WHAT IT SAYS: “I don’t believe in God anymore.”

It Came From Memphis, by Robert Gordon

WHAT I MEANT: “You know I love Memphis dearly, but I have a complicated relationship with it. I think this is one of those books that shows all the things that are lovable about Memphis without turning our beloved city into some whitewashed tourist destination. Gordon’s book is also an interesting reflection on the intersection of politics, music and Southern culture. And he’s a fantastic writer. The greatest thing about the book? Well, that would have to be the fact that if you didn’t know it was true, you’d swear he made it up!”

WHAT IT SAYS: “You’ve been saying that you were going to come visit me for ages now. Well, forget it. Just stay home and read the book, you selfish ass.”

On Cosmopolitanism and Forgiveness, by Jacques Derrida

WHAT I MEANT: “I know sometimes that you must wonder what it is that I do at my job. Well, I work on a philosopher named Derrida. I think this is one of his most readable and compelling books, and I want to share with you this important part of my life.”

WHAT IT SAYS: “I’m so much smarter than you.”

The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen

WHAT I MEANT: “Especially at times like these–you know, the holiday season when everyone is stressed and family ties are being strained–it’s nice to be able to step back and take a look at families even more dysfunctional than ours. Franzen’s story is a sympathetic portrayal of a family of mostly unsympathetic characters, but he somehow captures what is worth holding on to in the idea of family, even in all the pain and madness.”

WHAT IT SAYS: “Actually, our family IS this messed up.”

The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway
WHAT I MEANT: “This is a classic. Its rarefied prose, its compelling symbolism, its hidden profundity… I bet you’ll read it in one sitting! As much as I want to dismiss it, I keep coming back to Hemingway’s old fisherman in his boat when I need a way to think about meaning and mortality in a single image.”

WHAT IT SAYS: “I think your reading-skills level still hangs somewhere around 9th grade.”

How Proust Can Change Your Life, by Alain de Botton

WHAT I MEANT: “Very few of us will ever be able to finish Remembrance of Things Past, but this is such a great motivation to try. Also, Alain de Botton does a fantastic job here of showing what philosophy-and-literature in action looks like. I use this book as a constant reminder that literature can impact us in ways that we can scarcely imagine!”

WHAT IT SAYS (option 1): “Your life needs changing.”

WHAT IT SAYS (option 2): “I know you love ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, but do you even know who Proust is?”

WHAT IT SAYS (option 3): “I am so, SO much smarter than you.”

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I am, of course, interested in your own stories of gift-books-gone-wrong. But you must provide the full account of meaning and (mis)interpretation!